Inspired by these leather-clad patriots and their masterstroke of wit and satire, I was ready to fly to Arizona, go to a mosque, and get my sacrilege on. I had my crayons all set to draw some stick figures in all sorts of compromising positions (that smudge is a turban, and the other smudge is balls.) I was going to make chants based on stereotypes I’m pretty sure must be true. Sure, I might mistake Sikhs for Sunnis, or Koreans for Shiites. I didn’t care. They were going to feel my freedom the hard way.
But then I read something on the internet that changed my mind:
MORE AMERICANS ARE SHOT BY TODDLERS THAN BY TERRORISTS.
I was shocked. I knew I had to research it, so I googled some of those words, and an article with that title was the number one result. Number one, folks, like the USA. If that isn’t proof, then I don’t know what is.
After minutes of thinking really hard (freedom hurts sometimes, my friends), I reached the only conclusion a sane, freedom-loving patriot can:
WE’RE FIGHTING THE WRONG ENEMY!
I ask you… no, my friends, I command you in the name of Moses and the other guys who signed the Constitution of Independence… to stop coddling toddlers. It’s time to stop babying these babies, and show ‘em it's time for a change!
Let’s celebrate June 27th as Draw Thomas The Tank Engine Day!
Go to your local daycare, and teach them little toddlers a thing or two. Draw Thomas. Or Bob the Builder. Then wave that picture at the toddlers on their way to daycare.
For America.
Can’t draw? Don't worry. Just draw a big mess of squiggly lines and say, “Find Waldo!”
I will be there, my friends. Look for me. I will be wearing my “F___ Caillou” t-shirt that pretty much anyone who’s had to read one of his “adventures” wishes they owned.
We intend this to be a peaceful protest, but you should bring a loaded diaper just in case. They’ll have theirs, and you’ll want to be prepared just in case the poop starts flying.
With freedom and leather chaps for all,
Stewart Pidhick